you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
