we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
