please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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