At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
