If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
