8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
