honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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