Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize