It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
