my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
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Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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