Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
