I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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