my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
