i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
