fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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