We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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