you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
