I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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