I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
