Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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