Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
cat food counts as protein by the way
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
