Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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