I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
