I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
