He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
