I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
