Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
