Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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