maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
