Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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