i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
