Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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