it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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