Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
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drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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