so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
