she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
