he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
