My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
