i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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