Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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