in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
