Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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