okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
