so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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