My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
