Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
