do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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