I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
