I skipped work to stalk him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
