talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
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