I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
