so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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