I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
