well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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