Pants 0. Shit 1.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pooping to opera.
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