You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
