I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
