My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
